MISTER TRASH PRESENTS...

The Eurotrash New Testament -- Adam, Eve, The Apple, Pterodactyls, Cavemen, Cannibals & The Sacred Art of Fingercuffs... 

BLUE PARADISE
(Enzo Doria/Luigi Russo, 1983)

 
An Italian sexploitation quickie based on Genesis 1-3 Sign me up! This 1983 obscurity has got it all - sex, copious nudity, exotic locales, and pterodactyls. Once Adam (Eurotrash Post Apocalypse vet Mark Gregory) is born from a huge gooey pod in the jungle (not actually in the Bible, but it should have been), he wanders stupidly around in an attempt to understand his environment. Of course the poor dumb bastard is lonely (read: horny), so he fashions a woman in the sand and humps it, just like the good book says. Cue the worst 80s love ballad you've ever heard, and Eve (Andrea Goldman) pops out the sand! (Trust your Uncle Trash kids - this does NOT work in real life, goddamnit.)

Adam picks the unconscious woman up into his arms (hey, wasn't that technically rape?) and the two naked retards go forth into Eden. Hereafter there is much to see of Adam's hairy bathing suit area, so be sure not to eat whilst watching this turd. Anyway, soon comes the snake, the apple, and all that shit - the important thing to know is that all of humanity's suffering is the fault of a woman, and by extension all women. Now don't get all huffy with me about it, this is God's thing, not mine. Speaking of which, the Big Guy gets pissed about the whole apple thing (even though in this version he never said a word about it, the jerk), so he whips up a nasty storm and blows up a volcano, leading to flooding and an avalanche. Over an apple. The O.N.'s (original nudists) have now been expelled from paradise, so they don the requisite fig leaves and wander the wasteland. Over an apple. It is here that they battle a pterodactyl, eat it and its eggs, and get fancy new duds fashioned from its skin (which means no more boobs - booooo). Also in the wasteland are roving gangs of Neanderthals - meaning that, according to Blue Paradise - the argument is moot. Both evolution and creationism are correct. Best line thus far is here credited to an incredulous Eve: "Aren't we supposed to be the only ones here?!" There you have it, the first human to become puzzled upon discovering that the Bible is not always all that accurate in the finer details.

The cavemen intimate to Adam that they want him to fill their women's wombs with his clearly genetically superior semen, so he screams loudly and they all run away. Moving right along, Eve is next kidnapped by a tribe of painted cannibals (!!) in the style of Cannibal Holocaust, who strip her down, paint her up, and seem ready to kill her when one among them rescues her. Poor Adam, all alone in the world and Eve with her new jabbering cannibal boyfriend who rogers her doggy-style on a rock. I'm telling you, the Bible left a LOT out. Like the hairy ape-people who war against the cannibal tribe, for example. Not in there. Of course while the ape-men feast on the bones of the tribesmen, Adam shows up to rescue Eve. The awkward part is that her new beau comes along as well. Could this be the beginning of the world's first fingercuffs? Sadly no. After the new guy saves her from a dude in a ridiculous bear costume, Adam kicks his ass and sends him packin'.

Look folks, this only gets more and more stupid as it goes along. Turns out that Eve got knocked up by the cannibal, she and Adam fight a wolf (?), and then they wander right into the Ice Age. It takes a special kind of artist to screw up both faith and science, and I for one applaud the effort. Co-directed by Enzo Doria and Luigi Russo, who teamed up the year before to make a ridiculous Blue Lagoon rip-off called Blue Island with Sabrina Siani, Blue Paradise was almost certainly shot on the same locations on the cheap with whatever was left over from Blue Island. The result is the greatest Biblical Epic ever filmed, so suck on that Heston!

Highlight of the Film: Adam is awesome. Truly the model that male-kind is based upon and by whom we are all inspired. When he and Eve are abducted by the cavemen, Adam announces that he intends to conduct a lifelong monogamous relationship with her. All Eve wants to know is who will be the boss, and a bemused Adam insists it has to be him, of course. And then he hits his head on a rock. Wah, wah, wah, wahhhh. At the cavemen camp, the monkey people immediately begin groping and molesting poor Eve, a sure prelude to sexual assault. When she cries out for help from her new boss, Adam shrugs it off - "They only want to see how we're made." Good job, sir! Humanity's going to be all right, after all.