Compulsory Employee Movie Review #10

 I Luv employee RYAN takes a very funny poop on Where the Wild Things Are.

MOVIE REVIEW FOR WEBSITE
BY RYAN

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

    Maybe I am an asshole. Well, in fact, I know I am an asshole because I hate "kids movies". Don't get me wrong, I don't actually hate movies that are for kids, like Hannah Montana or fuckin' Pokemon 2000 or whatever stupid crap kids truly watch. What I do hate is the recent trend of hipster eye candy parading around as "kids movies", that no kid on earth could possibly want to watch. If you are a kid, and your parents did force you to watch this movie, then they are probably Punk/Hipster/Indie parents, who probably gave you a mohawk, forced you to eat vegan bacon, threw a skull hoodie on you, and you are probably well on your way to hating them for the rest of your life. Anyway, what we are dealing with here is a feature length film adaptation of a 30pg. childrens book. 30 pages! No wonder director Spike Jonze had to add alot of meaningless shit and psychodrama to the script to be able to turn it into a movie. Also, the soundtrack is pretty much straight out of a Target commercial... Cringe worthy soft indie-rock jams ala Juno, which pissed me off to some extent, but not as much as how this movie was just one big wank fest marketed to fully grown peeps via the nostalgia factor of the original book, and the street cred of Spike Jonze directing like one Weezer music video in 1995, or something.

    I do, however, feel like if a kid happened to watch Where The Wild Things Are for some reason, they would probably be able to relate to the main character in this movie, Max, because he totally sucks. Max is a 10-11 year old lil' baby who is kind of annoying like a real life human at that age. At the beginning of the movie, he's like "Fuck the world, and my mom, and my sister because they try to tell me what to do, or don't pay attention to me 24/7" for no real reason, which is a bratty anti-authority vibe most pre-teens/tweeners will be able to get down with. At one point, he even jumps up on the dinner table and stomps around with his dirty sneakers (actually guys, they're Chuck Taylors!), which would land any normal kid an unforgettable ass whooping. At this point in the film, I get the vibe that Max is probably just a misunderstood/sensitive kid that needs somebody to toss a baseball around with, i.e: Dad. If he had somebody to chill with maybe he wouldn't act out so much and we wouldn't have to be dealing w/ his bullshit. That's just my 2 cents.

    Anyway, after the main character Max throws a huge temper tantrum that made me want to reach inside my TV screen and slap the shit out of him, he runs away from home. This is a baller move that most rebellious kids pull at some point in their life when they are mad at Mom. Usually, they will run to the neighborhood park, or woods for about one to one and one-half hours. Around that point in time, most kids will grow hungry and will arrive at the realization that there are no Hot Pockets in the woods, so they must return home defeated. Max runs away, and instead of the situation playing out in a normal way, he is transported to a fantasy world filled with large "Monsters". To me, these "Monsters" act like half-retarded dudes in fur suits who post on Anime message boards on the internet (Google search Furry Role Playing; A good reference point for the behavior of the "Monsters" in this movie).

    At this point I was 4 beers deep, so I stopped trying to make sense of the rest of the long and whimsical plot to this movie. I do remember that Max, who has now been crowned king of this weird world, and the "Monsters" try to build a fort, or a ship, or some dumb thing out of wood way out in the desert and epicly fail at it. After that, they all fall asleep in a big cuddle pile while an Animal Collective or Broken Social Scene song plays, which, to me, seems very gross and creepy. At this point, Max is finally fed up because the "Monsters" are even more retarded than he is, or something, and decides to return to reality, even if it's not that cool. Finally, Max returns to the ho-hum, dumb-ass reality he tried to escape from in the first place, wherein his single mother works full-time to pay the bills, and put food on the table every night. Right, that lame reality. The part that pissed me off most about this movie is that after all the shit he pulls, the kid's mom wasn't even that pissed. Oh yeah, spoiler alert: Max does not even get grounded at all, which is total bullshit.