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Tituloverload by Marc Calderaro
So I was bored, and I started
thinking about titular lines. They’re always my favorite part
of ridiculous films. Very few things satisfy me more than that
moment of, “Ohhhhh... I get it!” that comes from hearing the film’s
title repeated by a character. Sometimes it’s inevitable –
you can’t have the movie Batman without someone saying “Batman”
– but most often, a film takes its themes a bit too on-the-nose, and
you are party to some really stupid moments in dialogue. I took
a couple minutes to brainstorm some favorites. Feel free to add
to the list! This is by no means a complete account, just some
specific goodies I enjoy.
My Cousin Vinny
This titularity comes early
on, during the awkward twenty-minute plot exposition before the movie
gets good. The line is great because it’s so plot-driven:
Whenever I hear that line,
I feel like Ralph Macchio should’ve just thrown whatever he was holding
to the ground, gotten down on one knee and yelled like Ethel Merman
while doing jazz hands. Or at least just turn and wink at the
camera, Raw Force-style. I mean, to me, that feels like
a studio executive breathing down my neck; it’s uncomfortable.
Diner
and Chinatown
Both of these lines are memorably
terrible because each is the last word in the movie. It’s as
if the screenwriter is sitting behind you in the theater with a rolled
up newspaper, ready to strike you when the credits roll, screaming,
“Do you get it? Huh? Huh?! Do ya?!”
“Forget about it Nick,
it’s Chinatown.” TA-DA!!
“Well, we’ll always
have the Diner.” *cue jazz hands, stupid
music, and my brain exploding. Fuck Diner.
White Men Can’t Jump
The title is uttered a couple
times throughout the film. But the best is when Welsey Snipes just yells:
“Billy, listen to me:
White Men Can’t Jump!”
This movie title falls into
the category of “Dependant-or-Independent-clauses-that-more-than-likely-came-straight-from-the-dialogue”.
It’s an illustrious group, with other members like:
Gone Baby Gone
Dude, Where’s My Car?
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
You can easily tell from any
of these films, the screenwriter (or producer) was perusing the finished
script for something better than whatever crappy working title they
had and just picked something at random that the test audiences liked.
In Gone Baby Gone, I literally had to stop the movie and recover
when I heard the shit they tried to pull on me. It was gut-wrenching.
Luckily, I had eaten Burger Tex earlier in the day, so my stomach was
happy when I subsequently vomited all over myself.
Maximum Overdrive
Obviously a fan favorite.
This terrible, terrible film is punctuated by doosey right near its
supposed emotional center. Stephen King’s absurdly inept direction
finally allows for something resembling a tender moment, just before
the love story gets stabbed in the face with this jagged piece of metal:
“That’s what I was doing,
before all these machines went into
Maximum Overdrive.”
This time, I had eaten Burger
Tex much earlier in the day, so it immediately evacuated from the other
end instead. Both times however, my carpet was not happy.
Hey, speaking of emotional
moments destroyed by titular lines…
Secrets and Lies
This one is clearly the most
out-of-place and distracting titular line I’ve ever heard. And
it’s kind of traumatic – it’s such a good film otherwise.
Sadly, I can never watch it again, because of some wholly inappropriate
titling. Right at the heart of things – a dramatic building
of subtle and complex modern relations gone awry – it hits like a
labor pain. Are you ready? Here it comes:
“Secrets and
Lies! We’re all in pain! Why can’t we share our pain?
I’ve spent my entire life trying to make people happy, and the three
people I love the most in the world hate each other’s guts, and I’m
in the middle! I can’t take it anymore!”
Mike Leigh, you’re so capable.
What happened? But you know, bad lines happen to good directors
too. I already mentioned Polanski’s Chinatown, and this
same tension-smasher also happens in Charlie Kaufman’s brilliant…
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless
Mind
Charlie, your dialogue is so
good; your plot is so focused; you already allude to Alexander Pope
right in the title. Please don’t hit me over the head with the
whole quotation. Please. And Kirsten Dunst’s character
would never have memorized that line in the middle of “Eloisa and
Abelard”. Never.
How happy is the blameless
vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by
the world forgot.
Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind!
Each pray’r accepted,
and each wish resign'd;
Mortal Kombat
Now, most films in this vein
I can give a pass – Videodrome has titular lines everywhere
because the film’s about the Videodrome and The Matrix understandably
discusses the Matrix often. But this crap-fest used up all my
sympathy. Not only are titular lines all over the fucking place,
but in the film’s title song (which is used repeatedly, I might add),
the only spoken words are “MORTAL KOMBAT!” And just to add
insult to injury, sometimes randomly during fight sequences, a background
voice will whisper gently “Mortal Kombat.” I’m glad Paul
W.S. Anderson let me know so early in his career that he would exclusively
direct shitty movies. It’s really helped me weed out what not
to watch.
“Liu Kang, you will be
first. Let Mortal Kombat begin!”
or better yet:
“No! You’ll fight me. I
am Liu Kang, descendant of Kung Lao. I challenge you to Mortal Kombat!”
Jazz hands, motherfucker!
The other film that should
get a subject-matter-based pass that doesn’t, is:
Jurassic Park
“Welcome, to
Jurassic Park!”
There’s even silly music
that comes right after it. I don’t remember how the melody goes,
but if I’m pretty sure it’s the jingle that right before “That’s
All Folks!” in all the Mel Brooks cartoons.
I know for some people, the
dramatic delivery of lines like the Spielberg one can almost enhance
the experience of the film. Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of
the Ring and Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, each have
almost farcically grandiose readings of their titular lines, but it
still doesn’t excuse the sloppy titling to me. The only movie
that gets my titacular rocks off is…
Back to the Future
Part of it is enthusiasm, part
of it is Christopher Lloyd, part of it is the sheer brilliance of everything
surrounding the line.
This is it! This is the
answer. It says here... that a bolt of lightning is going to strike
the clock tower at precisely 10:04pm, next Saturday night! If we can
somehow... harness this lightning... channel it... into the flux capacitor...
it just might work. Next Saturday night, we’re sending you
Back, to the Future!”
It’s just so childlike, almost
transcendent. It doesn’t hurt that Lloyd’s staring straight
into the camera when he says it.
But in the end, these movies,
the good, the bad, the silly, are all merely the supporting bricks to
the titular capstone that is Independence Day. I don’t
care how many movies you’ve seen, how much you like Will Smith, or
how often you still confuse Bill Pullman with Bill Paxton, there is
no more an egregious titular line than this Roland Emmerich/Dean Devlin
disaster porn.
Independence Day
At the climax of the movie,
at the end of an extremely heavy-handed and inspiring speech (largely
borrowed from Dylan Thomas), this fart-bag sneaks itself in there.
And for your reading pleasure, here’s the entire monologue. Enjoy.
Good morning. In less than
an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world.
And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of
mankind. “Mankind.” That word should have new meaning for all of
us today. We can’t be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We
will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it’s fate that today
is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom...
Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation.
We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the
day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday,
but as the day the world declared in one voice:
“We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without
a fight!” We’re going to live on! We’re going to survive! Today
we celebrate our Independence Day!
I hope you enjoyed my little
foray into the world of titular lines. It’s a deep, rich world
full of magic, mystery, and most often, shitty filmmaking.
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