Guerilla wit & savage wisdom from I LUV VIDEO Employees...

This week features pithy specimens from the Guadalupe Store:

I'm Not There (Todd Haynes, 2007)

"Interminable, pretentious drivel/gratuitous masturbatory dribble. Dude was just a singer. Just a guitarist. Get over it. This machine kills self-indulgent directors." -- Chris Pfeffer (Guadalupe Store)

Control  (Anton Corbijn, 2007)

"I guess I'm not good at empathizing with mental illness, cuz I just think this guy needed to suck it up & deal like everybody else. I used to not like Joy Division because I thought I didn't understand them, but now I realize I don't like them because they don't sound good." - Ben White (Guadalupe Store)

 
Southland Tales (Richard Kelly, 2006)

"I really liked this movie. You may not. It's an apocalyptic/political thriller/satire in the vein of David Lynch or Terry Gilliam, sort of. It's a pretty strange movie with a ridiculous confusing plot, plus it's got these mainstream character actors playing kinda parodies of themselves alongside a bunch of random comedians who come off real serious. It's totally weird but I thought it was awesome...Oh yeah, there is this one part where Justin Timberlake lip synchs this really terrible song. But hey, you may like that." - Clarke Wilson (Guadalupe Store)

Jimmy Carter, Man From Plains (Jonathan Demme, 2007)

"There's a great drinking game you can play with this movie. Every time Jimmy Carter does something that George Bush couldn't do (speak fluent latin, draw a map of the Middle East from memory, carry his own suitcase, etc.), take a drink. You'll be out of the booze before the movie is over." - Ben White (Guadalupe Store)

Juno (Jason Reitman, 2007)

"Thinly-veiled pro-life teen dramedy bogged down with unrealistic & overly verbose Gilmore Girls-style dialogue, sprinkled with irrelevant "hip" music references & smeared with an acoustic indie pop soundtrack. Aren't teens precocious these days?!?" - Chris Pfeffer

"There is absolutely no way that a 16-year-old girl in 2008 has ever heard of Dario Argento. I challenge you to prove me wrong!" - Ben White

Wristcutters: A Love Story (Goran Dukic, 2006)

"I like this one! Youthful & inventive, but not 'too cool for school'. Plus, I think it sends a healthy message to the kids -- If you kill yourself you'll just end up flipping burgers in the afterlife." - Chris Pfeffer

Funky Forest: The First Contact (Katsuhito Ishii, Hajime Ishimine, etc, 2005)

"Remember that weird kid in class?

And you were all, 'What's that guy think about all day?'

This is what he was thinking about." - Mike Rodriguez (Guadalupe Store)

Teeth (Mitchell Lichtenstein, 2007)

"Of the two films I've seen recently that feature scenes of graphic castration (the other being Hostel 2), I found that Teeth had more biting humor & incisive dialogue." - Chris Pfeffer

The Mist (Frank Darabont, 2007)

"OH YES! This is the best Stephen King movie since The Shining, for real! The CG effects are a little busted, but nobody let that bother them when they were watching The Host. The ending belongs in a club with Night of the Living Dead & A Boy and His Dog. Rent this, you won't be sorry." - Ben White

Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (Sidney Lumet, 2007)

"Lumet tries his hand at the (not so) new 'Chopped & Screwed' sequence style ala Alejandro Innaritu/Fernando Meirelles, with mixed results in a convoluted family crime drama that achieves no sympathy for any of the characters. I don't think I needed to see Philip Seymour Hoffman nakedly humping away right off the bat. Dog Day Afternoon it ain't." - Chris Pfeffer

Vacancy (Nimrod Antal, 2007)

"Spoilet Alert! This movie sucks." - Ben White

Wicker Man (Neil LaBute, 2006)

"Also includes an alternate ending where you turn it off after five minutes & regret ever renting it because it sucks that bad." - Chris Pfeffer

Spider-Man 3 (Sam Raimi, 2007)

"Have you ever seen Superman III? They stole part of the plot from Office Space from it & it's totally underrated. Superman gets hold of some synthetic Kryptonite & it makes him bad & he humps this blonde lady. Plus, it's got Richard Pryor! Yes! It's a goat-squirter." - Clarke Wilson

DEEP CATALOGUE

Logan's Run (Michael Anderson, 1976)

"Psssst -- Hey kids, tell your parents you want to rent this movie. It's got naked ladies & a PG rating. Just, um...don't let them read this sticker." - Anonymous

Street Trash (J. Michael Muro, 1987)

"Holy shit, this is the most awesome horror trash comedy EVER. I've seen it a million times & it keeps getting better every time I see it. Watch it with some Night Train & a warm garbage fire & maybe don't wear any pants. Enjoy the severed bum weiner scene with a loved one. It's truly poignant & heart-warming." - Randa Riggs (Guadalupe Store)

Next Week: Wry wit & Drunken Fluxus from the Airport Store....