MISTER TRASH PRESENTS...

This week our own Mister Trash delves into the labyrinthine mildewed crypts of I Luv Video & excavates a surefire, blood-spattered, hook-handed recipe for success in these economically troubled times...

Claw of Terror (AKA Scream Bloody Murder, AKA Matthew)

Mark B. Ray, 1973

When poor young Matthew (Fred Holbert in his only role) accidently gets his arm mangled by the very tractor he uses to murder his dad on the farm, he is sent off to live in a lunatic asylum run by nuns (regular nuns, not sexy lesbian nuns, to my great disappointment).  The good news is that he has a super awesome hook instead of boring old hand now, of which I am deeply envious.  Years later Matthew is declared sane and returns to his mom at the farm, only to find the old broad's gone off and gotten married again.  Unfortunately, this doesn't sit too well with Matthew, who clearly has major issue with paternal figures. 

Of course Mac, the new stepdad, is infuriatingly friendly and such an enormous asshole that he talks to Matthew like an equal, as if they were fucking friends or something.  So naturally Matthew drives an axe into the bastard’s stomach until he vomits red gelatin.  Mama walks in on the grisly scene though, and just like a woman she gets all emotional about it, so what can Matthew do but knock her head into a jagged rock and kill the whiny old biddy?  Now Matthew needs to skip town, so he hitchhikes which doesn’t turn out super well – he hallucinates that the nice young newlyweds who pick him up are his murdered mother and stepdad, which again leaves him no choice but to kill again.  Don’t feel too bad for him, though – he gets a free car out of the deal! 

Soon Matthew befriends a nice redhead hooker who happens to be a modernist painter and lives in a nice beach house where she balls the sundry drunken sailors that wander to her door.  (“I’m an amateur painter who turns tricks to pay the rent – that’s where I belong!” she says.)  I hate to spoil anything for you, but to my astonishment her trysts are somehow upsetting to Matthew, who imagines the hooker to be his mother.  Accordingly, he destroys her newest painting and takes her pallet knife in order to gore the first navy boy who comes along.  Next he worms his way into a huge house, kills the maid and then gets beaten up by an elderly invalid with her crutches (!!) before he finally manages to overpower the old woman.  It’s all good, though – Matthew’s got a free mansion now.  And when he manages to con the hooker into coming over so he can tie her to the bed – well, free hooker.  For life. 

Honestly I can’t think of a more rewarding career than serial murder.  Of course he has to rob people to buy food, but it’s all for unrequited love.  “See?” he yells at his paramour, “I get you groceries and art stuff and kill people, but do you appreciate it?  NO!” 

Then amazingness happens: the dead old woman’s doctor shows up at the house, and it’s goddamn Angus Scrimm.  Yeah that’s right, the Tall Man from the Phantasm movies.  God a’mighty how I love the Phantasm movies.  I don’t even care about Claw of Terror anymore, I just want to watch the Phantasm movies.  Phantasm.  Oh, and everyone dies by hook-hand at the end.  Which is fun, I guess.  This was one of the only two films director Marc B. Ray ever made, but he did manage to write Stepfather III, the shittiest in the series, so good for him.  It’s an entertaining enough drive-in shocker, but I still feel kind of ripped off by the dowdy nuns.

Highlight of the Film:  I love a lot of things about Matthew – he’s a true American hero, really – but what I love most about him is how he badgers people into pitying him for his hook-hand to win their trust before killing them.  People really fall for this shit, too – all he has to do is look plaintively at the ground and say “Gee, people sure are freaked out by my hideous disability” and they’ll do anything for him.  Seriously, folks...I’m awful damn close to lopping my own hand off for the obvious benefits I would reap.  Don’t try to stop me!