| Mister Trash Presents - November 4, 2008 |
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MISTER TRASH PRESENTS...
MISTER TRASH PRESENTS...
Almost immediately, Judy falls into a sinkhole and is rescued by some desert mutants only to be abducted by them and promptly hogtied. At the very least, one of them offers her a freshly severed human arm in case she gets hungry, but she is less than appreciative of the gesture. Soon, yet another mutant - this one dressed in a black slicker with a hubcap on it (?) - shows up to attack Judy's kidnappers, and then some OTHER dude comes along and kills HIM. And that dude, ladies and gentlemen, is Bruce Campbell. Good ol' Bruce (as Stover) takes Judy back to his hovel and feeds her some possum, explaining that he doesn't eat human flesh like that's really weird and needs explaining. It seems that most of the world is now occupied by cannibalistic “crawlers” and is just dripping with deadly radiation, which kind of sucks for everyone involved.
So Stover teaches Judy all the tricks of the trade from trapping food to identifying crawler holes, and shows her the remains of his dead wife whose corpse he crucified in the sand – like you do. Then they screw. Because nothing turns a woman on more than your dead wife on a cross. At any rate, before they can bask in post-coital bliss, both of them are attacked by crawlers and dragged deep into their underground lair. Stover is sent to what appears to be prison labor of some sort, and a couple of normal women who hold power over the mutants babble incoherently about nothing to Judy while we, the audience, begin to scratch our heads and wonder where the hell the plot just went.
Cut to a lengthy sequence in which Stover kicks the crap out of all of the crawlers in sight, taking time to cut one’s throat and disembowel another, and then Judy is brought before the leader of...uh, everyone, I guess? Anyway, it’s Angus Scrimm doing an awesomely hilarious Angus Scrimm impression, and he wants to claim Judy as his own. (Also, he tears out some girl’s eyeball with his fingernails for no apparent reason before feeding her into a giant saw blade. Oh Angus, you’re such a cheeky monkey!) Of course, it turns out that the evil anti-pope of the wicked cavern people is really Judy’s long lost dad (sigh...), which she obnoxiously whines about while Stover gets stuffed into an underwater cage filled with piranha-leeches.
Of course, it isn’t long before Stover reappears, somehow totally unharmed, to save the girl and waste the bad guys, although by that point the plot is beyond repair. Because he is now evil, for no reason at all. And was it all just a dream?? Whatever. Brainslasher certainly has a decent amount of the red stuff for my fellow gore-hounds to enjoy, but it’s just so damn stupid that the bloodshed hardly begins to make up for its total pointlessness. Also, don’t expect too much brain slashing, because there isn’t any brain slashing in Brainslasher. And very little mind warping. Weak. Stupidity, chaos, cruelty, pain. Brainslasher? A failure. Worse than any nightmare!
BLOOD MANIA - Robert Vincent O'Neill, helmer of the first two Angel movies, made this sleazy psychotronic gem for Crown International in 1970. Knockout nympho Victoria (Maria de Aragon) cares for her bed-ridden dad, who constantly bitches, whines, criticizes, and crows about her trying to bone his physician, Dr. Cooper. He's totally wrong, of course - she is boning the doctor, not merely trying. Oh, and the pool boy, too (who nervously stammers, "I've heard about people like you!"). Hell, Victoria is boning every man she sees. She's a nympho, remember?
Meanwhile, the doc is getting blackmailed for some back-alley abortions he did back in the day, an offense that's going to cost him 50 G's. Our girl Victoria intuits Coop's need for big dough, tells him she's got it, and then drugs the guy in order to screw him (like that was necessary). Turns out she doesn't exactly have the whole 50 large in pocket, but she knows how to get it. Meanwhile, the doc's wife is getting down with the blackmailer in an attempt to assuage him, and boy howdy does he ever like it rough. Also, he still expects the 50 large, citing that she was good, "but not that good." Burn!
Back at the ranch, Victoria and Cooper do a shitload of drugs, Vicky spends some time checking out her own boobs in a mirror, and her dad dies from what appears to be the Joker poison from Batman. There is, however, a pretty damn big spanner in the gears of her malicious plan – daddy cut her perfectly formed ass out of the will. Rather, younger sis Gail gets it all, so of course Doc Cooper ditches Victoria and starts romancing Gail. Hey, this is starting to look a lot like As The World Turns...with boobs! Anyway, just when Victoria decides to accept her losses and everything seems to even out pretty well for everyone, Vicky decides to bludgeon her sister to death with a big brass candlestick. She’s gone completely batshit crazy, and what a wonderful opportunity for the return of that weasly blackmailer. Everybody loses by the end of this flick, and that’s what I really like about it. It’s called Schadenfreude, and I revel in it. Okay, so there really isn’t all that much blood in Blood Mania, but let’s be honest here – it would be a lot harder to market a film called Boob Mania anywhere outside of the porno circuit. Unless Russ Meyer made it, of course.
Highlight of the Film: Maria de Aragon, one of the lovely lasses who headlined Wonder Women, spends an inordinate percentage of this movie completely naked. That is all. |
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