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THE I LUV VIDEO
EMPLOYEE
VAULT OF HORROR
In which the shambling, misanthropic outcasts of I LUV VIDEO attempt to frighten the holy bejesus outta you for the only only holiday that truly matters!
MISTER TRASH
I love horror movies
more than children love laughing or Fascists love brutally murdering
their political opponents in front of their terrified families.
In a word, a lot. Here’s 10 of my absolute favorites
you can enjoy during Halloween, which is kind of like Christmas for
sadists, weirdoes, Satanists, chronic self-abusers, and me.
Dellamorte, Dellamore (Michele Soavi, 1994)
 At some point in the mid to late 1980s, the state
of Italian horror cinema started to look pretty damn horrible.
Mario Bava was dead, his son Lamberto was hardly an adequate heir to
his legacy, and even the masters like Fulci and Argento were consistently
turning out complete crap. The Spaghetti Western, in short, was
doomed. Then, in 1994, a somewhat obscure director with only a
couple of mediocre credits under his belt named Michele Soavi showed
up to give the mordant genre one last hurrah with Dellamorte, Dellamore.
It could be oversimplified as a zombie flick, but I promise you that
you’ve never seen a zombie flick like this. Based on the Italian
fumetti Dylan Dog, Soavi’s nihilistic opus of undead apathy
is not to be missed.
The Beyond (Lucio Fulci, 1981)
Lucio Fulci’s 1981
masterpiece of voodoo zombie mayhem is without a doubt in my mind one
of the greatest horror pictures ever made. Really, the whole zombie
subplot was just tacked on to appease German distributors, whereas the
real deal here is all about a door to hell in a dilapidated New Orleans
hotel that will not and cannot be closed. Filled to the brim with
the very best of Fulci’s trademark gore to delight and disgust you,
this is also probably his most clever horror outing, replete with one
of the bleakest endings this side of, well, Dellamorte, Dellamore.
Seeding of a Ghost (Chuan Yang, 1983)
This 1983 gore n’ magic fest comes by way of
Hong Kong’s famous Shaw Brothers Studios. Longtime purveyors of some
of the finest martial arts extravaganzas in cinema history, they also
made ultra-sleazy horror flicks like Oily Maniac, the Hex
trilogy, and this wonderful little gem from director Chuan Yang, which
concerns a poor woman who, after being raped and killed by some soulless
thugs, is reanimated by her grieving husband with the help of a wacked
out sorcerer. Ultimately, she gives birth to a demon tentacle
baby that kills everyone in the movie’s exuberantly blood-soaked climax.
Recommended viewing for those interested in weird international horror.
Phenomena (Dario Argento, 1985)
I don’t even know where to start with this
one. Made toward the end of Dario Argento’s career as a good
director, it is actually my favorite of his entire catalogue.
In a nutshell that does no justice to the wonder of this movie, it concerns
a young woman (Jennifer Connelly) in Switzerland who tries to employ
her telepathic connection to insects in service of solving a series
of brutal murders at her boarding school. Add in a pool full of
putrid, rotting corpses, a monkey with a razor blade, and the scariest
mutant child since MacCauley Culkin, and you’ve got one hell of a
fun Halloween treat on your hands.
Nekromantic (Jorg Buttgereit, 1987)
Okay, this has got to be one of the nastiest,
most disgusting movies ever made. It’s description alone may
drive you to the nearest toilet to vomit. Naturally, it’s in
my Top 10! This ultra-cheap 16mm black and white horror indie
was lensed by the one and only Jörg Buttgereit in 1987 and was so appalling
that the director had prints seized by police in some territories.
It’s the charming little story of a young couple in love, who can
only get it on with bits of dead people as sex toys, and things really
heat up when a whole corpse comes into their possession and the woman
decides she likes it better than him. It is graphic, highly disturbing,
and likely to change your entire life. I’m hosting an Oktoberfest
party with a full German meal and a genuine German film just as an excuse
to unleash this nasty little monster on a large group of unsuspecting
viewers. By this time next week, I will have no friends!
Maniac (William Lustig, 1980)
Another flick that really
freaked people out and morally outraged the fundies when it was released
is Bill Lustig’s 1980 masterwork (and first non-porno) Maniac,
which pits a deeply psychotic Joe Spinnell against all of New York City
as he kills as many people – mostly hookers – as he can in an effort
to assuage his grief over his long dead mommy. Featuring one of
Tom Savini’s first and best special effects sequences, we get to watch
Spinnell leap onto the hood of Savini’s car and blow his head apart
like a ripe melon with a shotgun. Who wouldn’t want to see that?
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Tommy Lee Wallace, 1982)
Yeah, that’s right. Halloween III.
The one that doesn’t even have Michael Myers in it. The one
that everybody craps on the most because they clearly didn’t see the
one with Busta Rhymes in it. Okay, I know how much hate there
is for this movie, but this is from the same jackasses who can’t come
to terms with the fact that A View To A Kill
is the best 007 movie simply because it’s got Grace Jones in it. I love Grace Jones. Anyway, the great (and very, very nice) Tom
Atkins investigates strange goings-on having to do with weird Halloween
masks that control minds, melt faces, and are advertised with the most
horrible catchy and creepy jingle ever conceived. A perfectly
ideal Samhain delight.
The Haunting (Robert Wise, 1963)
Somewhere along the line, filmmakers and producers
and such forgot how to make a horror movie that’s actually scary.
In fact, it’s a damn rare scare flick that’s got any scare to it,
and that has always been the case. Most of the time these days,
we try to juxtapose gore with genuine fright, and whereas gore is fun,
it’s not really scary. Robert Wise’s classic The Haunting
is rated G. Freakin’
G. And yet it remains one of the creepiest and
genuinely frightening movies I’ve ever seen. I’m not kiddin’,
folks – check it the hell out.
Black Sunday (Mario Bava, 1960)
In 1960 Mario Bava kicked off his already illustrious
career in earnest by becoming the true Maestro of Italian horror when
he made Black Sunday, one of the most beautiful, atmospheric,
perfectly designed and well acted films of any genre you will ever see.
No foolin’! Just about any Bava is good Bava (unless it’s
Lamberto Bava! Bleccch!), but this was truly his best work.
It’s essentially a witch story, but more than that it’s a story
of fundamentalism and revenge, family and regrets and the horror that
emerges from skeletons in the closets. Black Sunday is
an undeservedly underrated horror movie, and you probably owe it to
yourself to discover it. Unless you’re an asshole. Then
you aren’t owed a damn thing, you jerk.
Horror of Dracula (Terence Fisher, 1958)
Hammer Studio’s 1958 reboot of Dracula as
a franchise was one of the two films the jumpstarted the mordant production
company and flung them into the realm of awesome gothic horror for the
next two decades. This is one you can actually watch with your
kids, or the kids you’re holding for ransom, or whatever the case
may be. The point is, as spooky and atmospheric as Terence Fisher’s
first foray into vampire territory is, it’s really just plain fun.
The legendary Christopher Lee stars as the infamous bloodsucker for
the first time here, and he steals your full attention for the duration
of this Technicolor joyride without speaking a single word! Many
watchable sequels followed, but this is the one to see.
MIKE RODRIGUEZ
Guadalupe Store
Halloween usually brings one question to the video store clerk: "What's a good scary movie?"
After
recommending titles for years, and rarely seeing any customers take my
advice, here are some fright flicks that you may or may not like. They
are in no particular order.
Christmas Evil, AKA You Better Watch Out (Lewis Jackson, 1980)
Who doesn't love
a murderous Santa Claus? Plus, I think people just wanna party on
Halloween, but they really want to kill people on Xmas.
Babs Hershey in
THE ENTITY
The Entity (Sidney J. Furie. 1981)
The film that proves once and for all that getting raped by a giant evil ghost totally sucks.
Hatchet (Adam Green, 2006)
Please welcome back the use of actual simulated murders to horror! No computer aided splatter here. Just Karo-syrup goodness.
The Baby's Room (Alex De La Iglesia, 2006)
An actual scary ghost story from Spain's kookiest/spookiest director. Would you let a ghost get your baby? WOULD YOU?
A Tall Man & His Ball:
PHANTASM
Phantasm (Don Coscarelli, 1979)
The Tall Man reigns as one of horrors' creepiest creeps. Sinister Jawas, flying razor balls, and Hell all await you here.
Parents (Bob Balaban, 1989)
What if you found out that your parents were cannibals? And what if your dad was RANDY QUAID?
The Mist (Frank Darabont, 2008)
When The Other Side finally breaks through and the world falls to pieces, you'd better be ready to face that shit head on.
Beetlejuice (Tim Burton, 1988)
Halloween can be lots of bad fun.
Handiwork:
INSIDE
Inside (Bustillo / Maury, 2007)
A film that will have you cheering and screaming and barfing and looking away. In French! NOT RECOMMENDED FOR EXPECTANT MOTHERS.
Terror at the Opera, AKA The Opera (Dario Argento, 1987)
You may not look away from the brutal murder taking in place in front
of you BECAUSE THE KILLER HAS TAPED NEEDLES UNDER YOUR EYES AND YOU
CAN'T CLOSE THEM.
CHRIS PFEFFER
Guadalupe Store
Chris Pfeffer’s scarytyme Halloween movie picks for the harvest of
death--
William H. Macy in
HAXAN
Haxan: Withcraft Through the Ages (Benjamin Christensen, 1922)
Surely the most disturbing
thing to come out of Denmark in 1922. Dark depictions of witchcraft
including corpse defilement and a ritualistic orgy with
Satan himself. Whether or not this was meant to be “educational”
to Christians, it was highly entertaining to this heretic.
Threads (Mick Jackson, 1984)
Purely human horror produced
by the BBC at the height of 80’s nuclear paranoia. Post
Apocalypse -- the sick and dying wander aimlessly…corpses
litter the streets. Industry, commerce, humanity crushed. And the vision
of years into that future is unspeakable…
Evil Dead II (Sam Raimi, 1987)
Sam Raimi’s crowning
achievement. To saw off your own hand while trapped in a house of evil
including dead laughing deer and waterfalls of blood..? and then to
see your dead, decapitated lover rise from the grave and dance for you!?!
Hellraiser & Hellraiser II (Clive Barker 1987/Tony Randel, 1988)
Hot gore, unsuspecting
victims, jealousy, vengeance, blood LUST…
I luv cenobites!!
"Send...More...Paramedics":
RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD
Return of the Living Dead (Dan O'Bannon, 1985)
The Lost Boys (Joel Schumacher, 1987)
Fangoria had a big story
on the effects in this movie when it came out. I was sold on that alone.
Nothing like a vampire melting in a tub full of holy water. Also, I
would watch anything featuring Jami Gertz in the 80’s…
Spelunkheads:
THE DESCENT
The Descent (Neil Marshall, 2005)
Subterranean vampire-like
creatures alone don’t frighten me. Being trapped far underground in
a cave with such creatures is another story. Blood and darkness. Great
ending…
Vampyr (Carl Dreyer, 1932)
Dancing shadows, night
creeps, blind and twisted faces, black and white grain,
Bonus!! Non-scary Halloween scenes:
Karate Kid (John Avildsen, 1984)
and received a severe beating
for it, Mr. Miyagi may never have stepped
E.T. (Steven Spielberg, 1982)
Halloween provided
the perfect cover for elliot to dress ET up in a
BEN WHITE
Guadalupe Store Manager
Top ten best scenes from horror movies...
1. The wife-shooting scene from Jorg Buttgereit's Der Todesking, 1990.
With the simple pull of a trigger, a man gets the feng-shui in his apartment just right.
That's MISTER Death King to you:
DER TODESKING
2. The last ten minutes of Greg Lamberson's Slime City, 1988.
The most gruesome death ever conceived with a $20 budget.
3. The first ten minutes of Steve Beck's Ghost Ship, 2002.
Watch the elaborate death of hundreds of people instantly, then turn the movie off because the rest of it sucks.
4. The jackhammer suicide scene in Michele Souavi's The Church, 1989.
This movie has lots of good death scenes (and a twelve-year-old Asia Argento!), but the jackhammer scene is the coolest.
5. The lawnmower scene from Peter Jackson's Dead Alive, 1992.
You've all seen this, I'm sure, so you know why it's on this list.
"...Sort of rotting":
DEAD ALIVE
6. The "room full of razor wire" scene from Dario Argento's Suspiria, 1977.
I know that you can clearly see that it's not razor wire, but suspend
your disbelief for a minute and just enjoy it! One of the Saw movies totally rips this scene off.
7. The final scene of Frank Darabont's The Mist, 2007.
A lot of people will think I'm lame for including a Stephen King story
on this list, but have you actually seen the movie? The end of it is
absolutely amazing.
8. The end credits of George Romero's Night of the Living Dead, 1968.
Poignant social commentary with meathooks.
9. The toxic waste scene in Paul Verhoeven's Robocop, 1987.
Like the similar scene in the Toxic Avenger, but treated with much more horrifying seriousness.
10. The impaled woman in Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust, 1980.
Is it real? The filmmakers claim it isn't, but I have yet to see
special FX makeup that good, even in today's world of CGI effects.
"Bizarre sexual rage":
CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
WILLIAM WILSON
Guadalupe Store
(Ed. Note: Not long on description, but the author gets extra points for being named after a Poe character...)
10. Carnival of Souls (Herk Harvey, 1962)
9. Day of the Beast (Alex de la Iglesia, 1995)
The Beast:
DAY OF THE BEAST
8. Juon (Takashi Shimizu, 2000)
7. Dawn of the Dead (George Romero, 1978)
6. The Entity (Sidney J. Furie, 1981)
5. Don't Look Now (Nicholas Roeg, 1973)
None more red:
Don't Look Now
4. Rosemary's Baby (Roman Polanski, 1968)
3. Maximum Overdrive (Stephen King, 1986)
2. The Shining (Stanley Kubrick, 1980)
1. The Thing (John Carpenter, 1982)
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