Nov 21 2008 Paris Hilton & Benji Madden 'just taking a break'
Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show this morning to set the record straight on her relationship with Benji Madden. Supposedly, the two are "just talking a break," and Paris hinted they could get back together, according to E! News:
"He is an incredible person, and we will always be really close," Hilton said. "We will see what happens in the future. I am still in love with him."
As for why they decided to go their separate ways for now...
"He has been working nonstop with his brother on his new record. I am working and traveling," she said. "All these reports that say I dumped him aren't true. This is a decision we made together as adults."
The last time I was on a "break" from a relationship, I sat around in my boxers for days on end building LEGOs and watching porn. (Its been five years, but I know she'll call me back as soon as her husband gives her the message.) I'm sure Benji Madden's doing the same thing - or he's frantically searching for a hooker that won't make him wear a HAZMAT suit. I'm not a mind reader.
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Nov 21 2008 Lindsay Lohan & Samantha Ronson have a catfight
Wanna know Samantha Ronson's secret to keeping Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Punching. Lots and lots of punching. Sam reportedly let the fists fly early yesterday morning at a London nightclub when she saw Lindsay dancing with her ex Calum Best, according to The Sun:
A shocked onlooker revealed yesterday: “Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. They were getting pretty close to each other and Sam was nowhere to be seen.
“And then all hell broke loose. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to prise them apart. It was a really ugly scene.”
Once out in the lobby the two kissed and made up. And by made up I mean it was Lindsay's turn to open a can:
Another eyewitness revealed: “Lindsay was furious with what Sam had done. She launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.”
I included pics of Lindsay looking all forlorn outside the club in her car. Never before have I seen a woman so desperately miss the penis. Hang in there, champ. Your career'll be dead before you know it, and then you can have wang until the cows come home. Don't stop believing!
UPDATE: Page Six reports Lindsay and Sam are now seeing a couples counselor because of the fight. Apparently, this shit happens a lot which would be hot if Samantha Ronson didn't look like a coked-out Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. I went there.
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Nov 21 2008 Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz already hate their son, and he was just born
Ashlee Simpson-Wentz gave birth to a baby boy last night and simultaneously won the "You've Got to Be Shitting Me" Award for the most ridiculous baby name. People reports:
Bronx Mowgli Wentz weighed 7 lbs., 11 oz., and was 20 1/2 inches long.
"Ashlee, Pete and baby Bronx are all healthy and happy, and thank everyone for their well wishes!" a spokesperson tells PEOPLE.
Bronx Mowgli Wentz. So I'm guessing Chewbacca Squishypants was already taken?
Congrats to Ashlee & Pete and best of luck to Bronx. You're gonna need it.
Nov 21 2008 Sarah Palin just set off some alarms at PETA
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding "You betcha" to the question "Can she be anymore oblivious?" After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy's face as he realizes "Wow, you're really going to do this." Then gets back to work because it's Alaska, and it's fucking cold out.
In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin's the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don't see how Todd Palin doesn't spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he's somehow immune to shrill.
Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.
Nov 20 2008 Katie Price's salesmanship has drastically improved
What does it say about me as a person that, if Katie Price was selling cyanide capsules, I'd probably buy an entire case and pop them like candy? Besides that I'm awesome and people are genuinely surprised to learn I don't drive a battleship to work.
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Nov 20 2008 Victoria Beckham for absolutely no reason
There's no real reason I'm posting these, I'm just fond of photos of Victoria Beckham. Boy, that's some natural looking cleavage isn't it? I'm pretty sure her plastic surgeon just cut an orange in half and super glued them in there.
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Nov 20 2008 Benji Madden: 'Where the ladies at? Oh, right, hiding.'
Fresh off his breakup with Paris Hilton, Benji Madden went out in Hollywood as a single man last night, and if I were him, I'd be grinning like I got doused in the face with Smylex gas. But probably even more so considering he just escaped the vaginal equivalent of a rusty bear trap - tied to a land mine.
THE SUPERFICIAL: 2008 WINNER AMERICAN GYNECOLOGICAL AND OBSTETRICAL SOCIETY AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN LADY PARTS REPORTING
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Nov 20 2008 Michael Lohan is a jackass
You know what's always a good thing to do before punching celebrities in a charity boxing match? Check with your parole officer. A crucial step Michael Lohan seems to have skipped, according to TMZ:
Lindsay's dad got the hook for that charity boxing match next week, because he's still on parole for assault from 2004. "We do not feel that participating in a violent activity, such as celebrity boxing," says a parole rep, "is appropriate for his rehabilitation."
Someone needs to put Michael Lohan's face on the Wikipedia page for FAIL. Along with Heidi & Spencer, Criss Angel and my local Dunkin Donuts for, I shit you not, running out of donuts today. That's like KFC running out of chicken. Or, even more frightening, me running out of penis jokes. Shh, shh. I was only joking. It's alright. Okay, take a deep breath. No, seriously, breathe. Somebody get these readers some paper bags! STAT.
Nov 20 2008 Karolina Kurkova doesn't have a belly button
Man, British people are smart. The folks over at BBC News made a startling discovery over the weekend: Karolina Kurkova doesn't have a belly button. Wait. Women have belly buttons? When did that happen?:
Its absence was noticed this week when the 24-year-old graced a US catwalk for lingerie giant Victoria Secret. While most of us have an "outie" or an "innie", Ms Kurkova has a smooth indentation (although sometimes a tummy button is airbrushed onto her photos in post-production).
Ms Kurkova has not spoken publicly about how she came to have a smooth navel, and all her agent will say is "she's not an alien".
Of course, this news would be startling if I didn't just make a fascinating discovery of my own: Karolina Kurkova - has a face. BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA!
That's how you report, my friends. That's how you report.
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Nov 20 2008 Robert Pattinson could probably create an army of teenage girls and destroy us all
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, stars of the movie Twilight, stopped by The Today Show this morning where they took questions from a maniacal gaggle of teenage girls. You could tell in the video (after the jump) Robert Pattinson was definitely broadsided by his new heartthrob status. I almost feel bad for the guy. If anyone knows what it's like to wake up every morning knowing the whole world wants to do you, it's me. Yet somehow I persevere - for the children.
NOTE: Insanity kicks in around the 7:00 mark. Kudos to Robert Pattinson for attempting to understand the crazy then quickly realizing these chicks wouldn't think twice about wearing his skin as a coat.
